We currently have two teenage boys in the house. They both have had long term girlfriends in the past year. When we found out that one of the girlfriend’s birthday was approaching, we made an inquiry into what he wanted to get for his girlfriend. “Oh, she said she doesn’t need anything. She said she just wants to spend time with me.”
Thus commenced an important lesson: “Oh, no, no, no. NEVER believe that. NEVER. I don’t care what she says you ALWAYS get her a gift. It doesn’t have to be large, but you HAVE to get her SOMETHING. It shows you care about her, that you think about her, and that you are aware of important parts of her life, such as her birthday.”
I cannot tell you how many times birthdays come up in therapy, both with individual clients and with couples. Over and over again, I hear the same story. It goes something like this: “I planned for his birthday. I remembered that he wanted that thing and I found it, bought it, wrapped it. I had his favorite lunch sent to him at work. We went to his favorite restaurant. I don’t understand. When my birthday arrived there was nothing. I have been telling him for weeks about this thing that I wanted…hinting that it would be a great birthday gift. I thought maybe he would get that thing out later in the day or was planning on surprising me. Eventually I realized that he wasn’t getting me anything, had not planned any sort of birthday celebration. Not even a coffee or a little treat. He didn’t tell the kids it was my birthday. I didn’t mean to, but I started to cry. He asked me what was wrong. I shouldn’t have, but I told him. He got really defensive and seemed annoyed with me. He went out and came back with a cake. Then he brought the kids in to the room. They sang happy birthday to me half-heartedly while I forced myself to smile brightly. I almost couldn’t eat the cake. I tried to feel grateful, but I knew that the only reason he went out to get it is because he felt like he had to.”
Sound familiar to anyone out there?
And, before you lean into stereotypes, let me assure you that these same stories show up in my work with same sex couples.
Sometimes I think the stereotypes become part of the story. They get used as excuses (“You know I just don’t remember things well! I’m not good at this like you are!”) AND part of self-blaming (“Well, he is a guy and I know they just aren’t good at these things.”)
I will listen and hold space for the pain even as I inevitably hear these word: “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s silly. It’s only a birthday. I’m just going to have to get over it and accept that this is how it is. They are never going to show up for me in this way.”
Birthdays are NOT silly. Birthdays are the day in which the people in your world celebrate your existence. It is a day to say: “I see you. I know you. I love you. I am so glad you are in this world with me.”
A common retort might be: “I don’t get it. It’s just a day. I don’t need just a day to show that I appreciate him/her. I can do that any day. “
This moment is when I ask a question I sometimes pose: “Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be in a relationship? One that is loving?”
You can make these comments all day long and, in the end, you still are hurting the person you say that you love.
You also are putting your relationship and life with them at risk.
Loving someone well is learning what it IS to love that person well. How does that person feel loved? What makes them feel like you see them and cherish them? If you aren’t growing in your knowledge of what those things are and then applying that knowledge, are you really loving them well?
When working with a couple around birthdays, we slow down and allow each partner to talk through their experience of the situation.
Sometimes the person who does not put effort into celebrating their partner reports that they are afraid of getting it wrong, don’t know where to start, and feel overwhelmed. So they end up doing nothing. Then they feel guilty and ashamed leading to getting defensive when they are confronted.
We explore family of origin stories. How did your families celebrate birthdays? What did those celebrations (or lack of) feel like? How did it look at different ages? Are there any painful stories for you around how birthdays were or were not celebrated when you were growing up? What stories did you learn to tell yourself about birthdays based on how your family approached them?
I want to slow down and let each person feel seen, heard and experience validation. I am going to hold space for the very real pain for the person who is overlooked on their birthday, making sure they know that it is NOT silly.
This isn’t about birthdays. It is about being seen, known and loved. THAT is where the pain is…feeling UNseen, NOT known, and UNloved. Feeling the unbearable hurt of not being worth the time, effort, and forethought is NOT silly.
I help the other partner who did not put in effort to be able to hear and validate their partner’s experience even while coaching them on holding space for their own shame and guilt.
Then, we talk about what they want and need for birthdays. Let’s get specific! Here are some questions you can work through in order to love each other well on birthdays. I have had couples work through these questions in therapy.
How do you like for your birthday to feel?
What kind of gifts do you like?
How can I know what gifts you want? Can we create a wishlist somewhere in a shared note or in some other way?
What is the price range for our gifts?
Do you like to have anything special for breakfast? Lunch? Dinner? Do you want to stay in or go out?
What are your favorite desserts? Is there a kind of dessert that you want only on your birthday?
Sometimes our tastes and preferences change. Is it ok if I check in with you a few days before your birthday and check in on these preferences and ask where you might want to eat, etc.?
Do you want alone time on your birthday? Or to spend it with your friends? Do you want me to include the kids or keep them so that you can go out alone or with friends?
Do you want to do something special as a family and separately as a couple? Or just one of those options? Is there a babysitter you prefer for me to contact? Do you want me to set up the babysitter or do you want to do that?
A few important reminders warrant stating. This conversation is not a “one and done”. This is an ongoing conversation. It is something to revisit and check in on. We change. What we want changes. That is ok!
Also, seasons change. This conversation will look very different when there are kids at home than when there are not.
Some of you might get frustrated that this conversation has to take place at all. “They have lived with me for so long. They should KNOW these things! It feels inauthentic because I am having to TELL them.
Normalize the telling! I COMPLETELY agree that it should not always be on the same person to initiate the conversation…the asking and telling.
But, please, please, please…see this conversation as a way to love each other well.
It isn’t silly.
It isn’t inauthentic.
You are each other’s biggest supporters. You are one another’s life line.
HOW WELL YOU LOVE EACH OTHER WILL DETERMINE SO MUCH IN YOUR LIFE.
Health. Wellness. Happiness. Other relationships. Even how long you live.
One of your greatest, creative works in this life is how you love your partner. Make it an ongoing practice to learn and grow. Relationships do not just happen. They are created.
Get them a damn birthday gift. Or plan on coming to therapy to talk about it.
(Actually, your partner is probably already in therapy telling me all about it. And I am going to tell them it ISN’T silly or too much to want your partner to celebrate you on your birthday.)
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That’s what I have to say today. I am guessing you have something to say, too. Happy to hear it.
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