David Schnarch, who died in 2020, was one of the leading voices in the field of relationship and sex therapy. Within the field of relationship therapy, there are different theoretical approaches to conceptualizing and treating common struggles. One such “camp” focuses on the concept of differentiation. Other clinicians who fall into this viewpoint are Murray Bowen (considered the “father figure” of this approach) and Esther Perel, a current popular figure in the world of relationship work.
There is a lot that could be said about the idea differentiation, more than could be explored here. In short, differentiation is how close you can be to someone and still maintain your own identity and sense of self. Alternatives would be enmeshment and disengagement.
A relationship is enmeshed when I cannot be close to you without being consumed by you. In an enmeshed system we must think the same, believe the same, and feel the same. I am required to like the same people you like and hate the same people you hate. In an enmeshed relationship it is not allowed to have different opinions. Love is conditional and loyalty to the whole and to family “rules” is prioritized over any one person’s goals or well-being. Guilt and shame are used to keep people in line. Often an inordinate amount of togetherness time is expected.
Disengagement is when, because being close to you means I have to be just like you, I just completely distance myself in order to be able to be myself.
Both people in the relationship contribute to whether or not there is differentiation, enmeshment or disengagement. Here are graphics that attempt to illustrate these ideas, including one I created.
In enmeshed systems conflict is avoided until there is a blow up. Tension is released, but no growth takes place. People yell, cry, name call, slam doors, go silent, and/or become manipulative to keep things as they were.
Conflict in a relationship is part of the work of differentiation. It is an attempt to establish differentiation. Conflict is where we are close enough to be seen. Conflict is a very vulnerable place. We are letting our emotions, values, hurts, and opinions be known.
The question is…can the relationship system tolerate this knowing?
Schnarch offered a helpful metaphor, which became the leading name of his work: The Crucible Approach. The idea is that every relationship is like a crucible. Crucibles are containers in which metals or substances are subjected to very high temperatures with the intent for them to be purified, melted, and reshaped. Relationships are like crucibles in that they also can get very “hot” (conflict) and it is the “heat” (conflict) that purifies and promotes growth of both the individual and the relationship.
The goal is to learn how to stay in the “heat” instead of running away. How can a person learn how to stay close to someone else instead of being consumed by the other person’s emotions, leading to running away, shutting down, reacting in anger, slamming doors, yelling, etc.?
When a person can stay in the heat…when they are able to stay close to their person even when things are hard…growth, intimacy and safety are created.
Note: staying in the “heat” does not mean that you never take a pause or a break and then come back. Staying in the “heat” also does not mean enduring abusive and harmful circumstances and behaviors.
When couples come in for therapy, they are often desperate. Life is fast and stressful. Schedules are tight. If they have made time to go to therapy and are willing to invest money into the process, you know they have hit a breaking point.
An exception I am seeing in my work are younger couples who intentionally are finding a couple’s therapist early as part of their self-care and to ensure they are working on issues before they become larger ones.
Of course, couples want to end the conflict. It is PAINFUL. It feels unbearable. However, we have to reframe conflict right away. Conflict is not only normal, it is a sign that each person is showing up and is human. Conflict is a sign that each person is still IN it. They are willing to be close enough to fight. If you have ever watched wrestling, you know that you have to be very close to wrestle!
Conflict is a place of high vulnerability. It is why it can escalate so quickly. Both partners feel exposed, vulnerable and something feels threatened. We find out what is important to us in conflict. We discover our wounds, past hurts, and emotionally tender spots. Our defense mechanisms are revealed. Life stressors become apparent. We find out what stories our brains go to when we feel stressed, threatened or afraid.
Conflict is a sign that we are human, that we are showing up and that we are IN it. We are in this relationship so much that parts of us are able to be triggered.
Conflict is normal. How we move through conflict and what repair looks like is where the real work is in couples therapy.
I want to make sure, again, I am acknowledging here that abusive behavior is never ok. When I say conflict is normal, I am not condoning emotional or physical violence.
Being in relationship helps us not only to know other people, but to know ourselves.
Johari’s window was developed by Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham in 1955 as a psychological tool to help give a visual picture of the potential of growth that comes through relationships.
Here are two different graphics showing the window.
The window of four panels is created by two continuums: known to self and known to others. So, there is:
Information known to self AND to others…sometimes called the open self.
Information known to self, but not to others…sometimes called the hidden self.
Information unknown to self, but known to others…sometimes called the blind self.
Information unknown to self AND unknown to others…the unknown self.
These four quadrants can be varying sizes. The window presents them as four equal quadrants, but depending on your personality, your level of self-awareness and the depth or types of relationships you have, the window pane will look differently shaped. For example, maybe your open self, what is known to you and to others, is smaller, but the hidden self, information known to self and not to others is larger. Or, maybe your blind self is quite large because you have less self-awareness.
And, oh my goodness, this can be frightening! You mean there are things I don’t know about myself that others know?
There may not be another time in life that you experience this harsh reality than when you are in adolescence…or when you have own kids. Kids are brutally honest. They are happy to point what they think you do not know.
As a mother I have had ample opportunities to learn about myself…how I walk, how I dress, how I laugh, how I talk, etc. etc. etc.
Intimate partnerships are also a place where we learn a LOT about ourselves over time as we come to see ourselves through the eyes of the other person.
It does matter how a person’s insight on us is shared. The fact that relationships can offer us information to help us grow doesn’t mean that we have to tolerate that information being shared in a way that is disrespectful, demeaning or without love and care.
Sometimes the other person’s view is not accurate. As we see people, we look through a screen of our own personal experiences, preferences, and pain. When we hear the perspectives of someone else, we get to reflect and decide if the information they are sharing is helpful for us or if we want to discard it. For example, if one of my children tells me that the shirt I am wearing is not cool, I get to reflect on this information and decide if I agree. :-)
Still, the perspective of others that we only get through relationships…and often through conflict…is one of the most important tools for our own growth.
It requires our own work to be able to be self-compassionate, to self-soothe and to stay curious so that we can stay in the “heat” not just of the conflict, but also in the hard moments of getting feedback (hopefully loving) from others.
A harsh reality is that it is actually the most insecure, dysregulated, afraid and emotionally immature people who struggle to be able to grow through conflict. That insecurity and immaturity leads to a person becoming like a two year old, arms folded over, furrowed brow, standing there with stubborn resolve: “No! I am NOT going to consider what you are saying because I am RIGHT. YOU’RE STUPID!”
Most of us have reverted to childlike behavior in heated conflicts at some point.
Think about it. Door slamming. Name calling. Running away. Throwing things. Stamping our feet. Going to someone else to “tattle”. All of these behaviors are things we associate with children…a dysregulated child who feels threatened, overpowered, isn’t getting their way and is throwing a tantrum.
Children think in absolutes…black and white. “You are mean and stupid. I am right. You are wrong.” In conflict, our brains respond similarly.
What do you think your window looks like? What relationships have helped you learn more about yourself? Which relationships feel safe enough to allow that kind of feedback and growth? Did you have a family where this kind of growth and self-awareness was modeled?
If you want to see more thoughts and videos from me you can also visit:
https://www.instagram.com/dremilystone/
https://www.tiktok.com/@dremilystone
Postscript: In the readable version of this post on Substack you will find helpful links throughout the transcript of what is heard on the audio podcast version. The podcast and Substack is called Letters from a Therapist.
That’s what I have to say today. I am guessing you have something to say, too. Happy to hear it.
If you enjoyed listening today, please consider liking this post wherever you read it or listen to it, subscribing to my Substack and sharing it with someone you think might enjoy it, too. The subscription is free and it would mean so much to me. Thank you!
Share this post