Tone Matters

Recently I had a fairly typical parent-child exchange. My child said something to me in a way I did not appreciate. The words themselves were not a problem. The way the words were said were a problem. I experienced the delivery of the words as disrespectful, dismissive and condescending. The context of this delivery made the tone even more problematic. In short, I wasn’t ok with how something was handled and then I wasn’t ok with how I was being talked to.

What ensued was a conversation about tone…that tone matters. My child insisted that tone did NOT matter. Only the words did. So, after consequences for the original issue had been dealt, I said that I would decrease said consequences if this child wrote a one-page essay on why tone, indeed, matters.

At some point…actually it already is…the story will be funny. It is humorous to think of a kid explaining to a parent after they were disrespectful, the idea that they can say things anyway that they want because how they say it does not matter.

It sounds like a kid backed into a corner just saying things because they don’t want to be wrong about SOMETHING…because they KNOW they were wrong about their original behavior.

And, I promise you, that is exactly what was happening. Whether the child admits it today or not.

Anyway! We can probably imagine a parent from some family somewhere saying to a kid: “Hey! Watch how you talk to me!” or “Watch your tone!” or “Check your attitude!”

As parents we KNOW that we expect our kids to talk to us in a way that is respectful and kind. It doesn’t matter what the words are if they are delivered through condescension, yelling, or sarcasm.

I will say over and over again that in so many ways, we do not grow up. Or, at least a part of us doesn’t. We become adults with middle school parts inside of us that get triggered and then come out when we argue with others.

As a relationship therapist I hear very similar words in my sessions with partners who are struggling: “What? You don’t like how I said it? I didn’t say it right? Geez! I can’t just say something? I have to say it in a way that is right for you now, too?”

I have the same conversation with adults as I do with my kids: tone matters. It just does. It may not seem fair, but HOW we say things is often just as, if not more, important than WHAT we say.

This gets tricky for people who have never had to do the work of developing self-awareness around how they come across to people. Or, if they truly struggle to hear themselves and how they sound. I have worked with people who have very strong personalities. They have no idea how they come across and are surprised by people’s responses to them. Sometimes it causes sincere pain for the person. They do not know how they sound. They do not realize that their natural voice quality and delivery is quite aggressive. In all likelihood, that person grew up in a family in which the aggressive stance was normalized and part of everyday life.

When we leave the home of our youth…and especially when we get into intimate partnerships…we begin to have these mirrors in our lives that reflect back to us what they see and hear in ways our original family never did or ever could. People outside of our family of origin are going to experience us and hear us differently. That feedback, even if painful, helps us grow.

A valid complaint in recent years has been the idea of “tone policing”. Tone policing is when you dismiss the very real complaints by a person because they are communicating in a way that is uncomfortable for you. Perhaps the person is angry or emotional in other ways. Here are some examples of what tone policing might sound like.

“Calm down so we can discuss this like adults.”

“It is hard to take you seriously when you are being so emotional.”

“Your language is so divisive.”

“Geez. You don’t need to get so angry.”

“You are being so dramatic.”

Tone policing is dismissive and demeaning. It dismisses what is being said. It demeans the person for caring or being upset in the first place. Tone policing is in response to discomfort with emotions like sadness, hurt, and anger. Tone policing is gas lighting. I’ve done something to upset you and now I am going to blame you for how you bring it up, making it seem like your fault.

Tone policing is defensiveness in the face of discomfort with what is being shared. It is the partner or friend who says: “I can’t believe you are so upset about this. This is ridiculous.” Have you ever seen this kind of exchange between friends, family members, or partners?

Person A: “When you did this it really hurt me. I am really upset.”

Person B: “Are you serious? Man, you are being so sensitive. I can’t believe you are upset about this. And, especially after all I do for you.”

Person A: “I am just trying to talk to you about something that bothered me. I want you to care about what hurts me!”

Person B: “Well, I guess I am just the worst >insert partner, husband, wife, mother, father, friend, daughter, son<” ever.”

Person A: “No, no. That’s not what I’m saying. You are a good “>insert partner, husband, wife, mother, father, friend, daughter, son<. I’m sorry I brought it up.”

Do you see what happened there? One person brought a hurt to their loved one. The other person felt threatened and defensive, then flipped the entire script so that the person who was hurt is now comforting and reassuring the person who hurt them. Whew. There is a lot going on in this exchange, some of what I will address in a later post.

The conversation about tone does get tricky because we tend to expect certain tones from people of color, women, etc. We expect more deference, passivity, and insecurity present in their voice. And, when they do not adhere to our expectations it is off putting in ways that we might not experience if the person were white and male. All of that is real. I do not want to minimize or invalidate the idea of tone policing. I would argue that these instances add to the truth: tone matters.

We hear tone over and above words. There would never be the concept of “tone policing” if tone did not matter and we did not have certain cultural ideas of what is acceptable or not acceptable ingrained into our ways of receiving information. Those cultural ideas are so often based skin color and gender.

So often on either “side” (whatever that means to you), we put things in all or nothing, good and bad, boxes. Is tone policing real? Absolutely. And, tone still matter. It just does.

The Gottman’s, relationship experts, call it a “soft start up” when you are aware of your tone and how you are approaching your person with something that is bothering you. However, you name it, the research is clear: tone matters.

Additionally, we are not very good at assessing the tone of our own voice, especially when we are activated and upset. Taking time to do the hard work of asking for feedback on your tone of voice after an argument has passed can feel incredibly vulnerable, but could be the difference between a relationship succeeding or not.

I do want to acknowledge that I have seen the opposite situations as well. I have witnessed a person share something that DID have emotion behind it, but the way it was shared was appropriate and not at all threatening. However, the person listening had past experiences that make them so incredibly sensitive to any kind of anger or hurt that it was received as aggressive and overpowering.

Relationships are constantly working on us, inviting us to heal, and change. They are imperfect mirrors of our own ways of being in the world. Relationships might be our greatest resource for growth.

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Postscript: In the readable version of this post on Substack you will find helpful links throughout the transcript of what is heard on the audio podcast version. The podcast and Substack is called Letters from a Therapist.

That’s what I have to say today. I am guessing you have something to say, too. Happy to hear it.

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