I was at a church event for my oldest two daughters who were in early elementary school, off to the side talking to a group of mom friends. Our daughters were about the same age and we were visiting while our girls participated in the church’s version of Girl Scouts. At some point in the conversation I made the mistake of describing a recent time in which I had fun and felt really happy. I don’t remember what I shared. I just remember the reaction. Scowls appeared. Admonishments were given by way of sharing just how stressed THEY had been in the past week. I immediately felt in trouble. I felt like I had lost at some game I didn’t realize I was playing. The game was being a mom, exhaustion was the proof of worthiness and approval was the prize.
Of course, I had more than my fair share of stressful moments, exhaustion and overwhelm. I was definitely in the running for winning at this game. I just forgot in that moment that it wasn’t ok to share about my personal joy if it was solely my individual experience. The message caught more than taught was that joy should only come in relationship to others and most often was connected to suffering: “We rejoice in our suffering…” Romans 5:3; “Count it joy when you face trials…” James 1:2; “Now I rejoice in what I am suffering…” Colossians 1:24.
And, as women, we were supposed to be busy…ALWAYS. In the book of the bible, Titus, it literally says women should be “busy at home”.
So, maybe NOT to be busy or exhausted…was even somehow sinful?
Suffering is a complex concept in Christianity. Sometimes it means that you must be a faithful follower of Christ and the “Enemy” (Satan) is threatened by you so you are being attacked. Other times it is a sign of not being in God’s will. It depends greatly on who is interpreting your life and their opinion of you.
Exhaustion and overworking is elevated as the ideal and a sign of faithfulness: “And let us not grow weary in doing good…” Galatians 6:9; “Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.” 1 Corinthians 9:24. So, exhaustion, running, competition, and winning are important.
There ARE plenty of verses about “resting in the Lord”, but this seems to be interpreted as an internal, mental act that helps you continue to run your race. You should rest in the Lord, trust Him…so you can keep working really, really hard and not give up.
Joy, fun, and happiness for their own sake for my own self was…selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed, and most certainly a sign that I was not caring enough for others (husband, children, family, church members, etc., etc.,), which was my main calling in life (according to what was taught through the church).
Carol Gilligan, an American psychologist, has spent her entire career researching, teaching and writing on moral development and ethical decision making, particularly among women. Gilligan wrote her most famous work, In A Different Voice, as a critique of the current male centered research and model on moral development, which was developed my Lawrence Kohlberg. He often is considered the leading voice in the field of moral development and his thoughts are interesting in and of themselves, but Gilligan offered an important alternative for understanding decision making as a female.
She proposed a model of the female development of moral and ethical decision making that takes into account the socialization of women to think of others in all parts of their life. When evaluating what to do, a woman instinctively looks around and considers how a decision will affect others. This instinct is, in part, due to the “hidden curriculum” given to girls throughout life via books, movies, tv, commercials, comments made by friends and family, what they get praised for from the moment they are born, the jobs they see women occupying, how people talk about women, and what they observe in their family and the community around them.
Considering others is not only a deeply ingrained reflex…and this is important…it is also how women have learned they get approval and acceptance in the world around them.
So, Gilligan took these facts about women’s development into account when developing a separate framework for understanding the moral and ethical development of a woman.
In her developmental model, that she called “The Ethic of Care”, a person goes through three levels with two transitions.
Level 1: Orientation to Individual Survival
First Transition: Selfishness to Responsibility (connection and responsibility to others)
Level 2: Goodness as Self-Sacrifice (reliance on others, social acceptance)
Second Transition: Goodness to Truth (questioning comparative value of self versus value of others)
Level 3: Morality of Nonviolence (heightened understanding of choice between one’s own needs and care for others; do not harm self or others)
Below I share two different graphics that show these stages of development. I particularly like the second one because it gets at the simplicity of these ideas.
The stages of development describe a pendulum. Swinging from all about me (selfishness) to all about you (martyrdom) and then back to a place of balance: its about me AND you (wisdom). And, I get to make decisions that consider both.
This last move often coincides with a coming of age for a woman. Maybe it is when kids are almost grown and so that motherhood provides less of a sense of identity and community than it once did. Perhaps, it is when a woman realizes that the prize of exhaustion is just exhaustion. Maybe it is when she looks around and suddenly realizes that the unspoken contract she has had with the world (if I take care of everyone then everyone will love me and will eventually show up for me) isn’t holding up.
This point in a woman’s life is often met with surprise, shock, and criticism by others. How dare you change your way of being in the world…which is to take care of everyone else?
In any stage model of development, transitions from one stage to the next often involves some sort of crisis or discomfort. It is that discomfort that pushes a person to grow…to the next stage.
This post is dedicated to all of the women who are looking around and coming to a painful realization: if they don’t fight for themselves, no one else is coming to do it either. If they don’t invest in their self-care, no one else is showing up to either. While they are mothering everyone else, their hope that someone will show up to mother them is a hope eternally deferred.
To all of the women who are learning that it is not only ok to love yourself AND others…to make decisions that are ethically and morally sound for you AND others…it is imperative.
And, if you still need some other-centered reassurance, caring for you WILL ultimately be good for the people around you. Even if…maybe especially if…it causes them some discomfort, because remember…discomfort often leads to growth.
Promise.
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Postscript: In the readable version of this post on Substack you will find helpful links throughout the transcript of what is heard on the audio podcast version. The podcast and Substack is called Letters from a Therapist.
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