Last weekend I watched the new Netflix limited series entitled Adolescence. The show is a stunning display of acting and complicated cinematography. Each episode is filmed in just one continuous take so that the viewer sees everything taking place in “real time”. It is worth watching just to witness the end result of hours and hours of the planning, preparing, and practicing that this kind of filming requires.
It is also an achingly accurate capture of how today’s culture provides a perilous backdrop to parenting and growing up. We see what every average family would experience as the worst-case scenario: a child you love committing an incomprehensible, heinous crime. How did this happen? Where did we do wrong? “We made him” the mother says at one point. I want to hug her and tell her “But so did our society. This isn’t all on you. You were never meant to navigate these technological challenges and you sure weren’t meant to do this alone.”
In episode three the 13-year-old boy, Jamie, receives a visit from a psychologist who is in the process of evaluating him. Throughout the episode the viewer watches as the child displays a textbook picture of the deeply painful and frightening experience of narcissism.
The words “narcissist” and “narcissism” are used a lot in our society. We automatically think of someone with an inflated ego, who grandstands and makes everything about themselves. However, the actual personality disorder of narcissism has a much more complex development and presentation.
The word narcissist comes from the Greek story of Narcissus, who was so in love with his own image he saw reflected in water that he could never look away. Narcissus was condemned to a lifetime of gazing at himself, never able to fully live in the world around him. He died of despair and self-starvation.
A person with narcissism has deep woundings of the self. They are so pervasively empty and insecure that they must constantly “look at themselves” in order to feel as though they are ok…to feel as though they exist. They seek reassurance through a variety of means. They turn conversations back towards themselves (“Well, for ME…”). They inflate their importance (“You may not know this, but I was awarded…”).
They cannot tolerate feedback that might be construed as critical. Criticism is unbearable. They need constant affirmations and reassurance, which they seek through a variety of tactics. They pay little attention to the feelings of others because, in part, they do not have the inner security within themselves to consider the feelings of anyone but their own.
There are also different presentations or types of narcissism, which I list below along with links to podcast episodes from a highly recommended podcast, Therapist Uncensored. These two therapist hosts do a great job talking through the nuances of each one from a position of compassion.
But how does narcissism develop in the first place? We might envision a little boy getting nothing but praise and adoration from a mother leading to him having an unrealistic view of himself and an inability to receive feedback. Well, it is a bit more complicated than that. Here are just a couple of factors that can contribute to developing Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
First, hearing constant praise in such a way that you learn that you are only worthy if you are the best. On the flip side, the person experiences silent treatment, shunning, coldness, or sharp, hateful criticism from caregivers in response to any wrongdoing or imperfection. Imperfection is associated with rejection, being painfully alone or abandoned while praise means acceptance and being loved.
Ideally a child is given affirmations for effort and hard work as well as results. There is an appreciation for overcoming challenges and tolerating imperfection. In a loving relationship with a caregiver, the child is held and instructed about wrong doings, learning that making a mistake does not mean separation from love, care or belonging.
We hear Jamie, already an insecure and reportedly un-athletic boy, share stories about how he would make mistakes on the soccer field and his father would not make eye contact. Jamie felt alone when he made mistakes. We later see Jamie’s dad refusing to look at him when they were in the police station after witnessing the horrific video footage of Jamie’s crime.
Second, at an early age, before the self is emotionally able to navigate painful experiences, the child experiences meanness, criticism, and rejection and is ALONE in processing these experiences. The child develops an internal narrative of “I’m bad” that is so incredibly painful that the child (and then teen and adult) will do anything to avoid whatever reminds him of that unbearable pain including inflating the self, raging at criticism, manipulating circumstances, lying, and even violence.
Ideally, a child will have occasional experiences of criticism and rejection that are navigated alongside of the loving holding space of a caregiver who can lend emotional strength and perspective to the child. The child does not feel alone to navigate hurtful experiences, and, in fact, they might lead to greater resilience.
Jamie was exposed early in his years to terrible, hateful messages online through social media. His mom talks about how he would be in his room, alone and we can imagine a young, insecure boy feeling the immense pain of rejection from a girl while also getting messages that confirm his belief that he is worthless and ugly.
In the scene with the psychologist we watch what happens when she gets anywhere close to his vulnerabilities. We witness what is sometimes called the “narcissistic rage”. Imagine a balloon filled with air. In a sense, it is empty, but still puffed up. One small prick and the balloon pops. That is a picture of narcissistic rage. When a person with narcissistic personality disorder feels vulnerable, when they get a whiff of criticism, they pull out all of their coping strategies.
For a covert narcissist it might sound like: “Well, I guess I am just the worst person ever. I am always messing up. I’m such a bad person.” These comments are disorienting, flip the script, and you end up comforting them instead of dealing with the actual issue.
For a grandiose narcissist it might sound like: “What? I am the BEST at this. I can’t believe you are bringing up this tiny thing in the midst of all that I do for you. You’ve got a lot of nerve.”
For a malignant narcissist it can be much, much more sinister. We see it in Jamie’s responses to the psychologist. Sneering, belittling, unmatched skill at poking in the most painful ways at any vulnerability they have detected in the other person. The goal is to overpower the other person. To regain a sense of control. It might also include violence, as we see in the crime Jamie committed against the girl that had bullied him.
The balloon pops. The emptiness is exposed. The pain is unbearable. The person with narcissism will do anything to get out of that pain, anything to feel less vulnerable. Anything.
Let’s be clear. There is a difference between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Wounds. We all have narcissistic wounds. These are “wounds to the self”. They are our “enduring vulnerabilities”…tender spots in our psyche that are from old stories of hurt, pain, disappointment, embarrassment, and moments of feeling abandoned. We all have those experiences as a humans. We all have those wounded spots, that if they get grazed…we lurch in reaction. We get angry, defensive. We cry. We get activated and overwhelmed.
These are vulnerabilities we care for throughout our life. Relationships can help us learn about ourselves and our own ways of being in the world. And, in healthy contexts and within safe, healthy relationships, we can, over time, experience healing around these past pains.
What we watch in Adolescence is something different. What we see here is Narcissistic Personality Disorder formed in the context of a society that has exposed a vulnerable child to constant aloneness in the midst of constant experiences of being told that he is worthless, ugly, unwanted and unlovable. In a seedbed of rejection and the Incel movement instructions on how to deal with that rejection (disdain for women, sneering power grabs, and puffed up violence), a tender aged child is shaped to have no grounded sense of self. To exist in his world means to be the best, to be good looking, to be liked on social media, and to be wanted by women.
At the end of episode 3 we watch a painful moment when Jamie realizes that this female psychologist will not be back to see him. He becomes inconsolable. “Do you like me? Please, tell me that you like me.” It is a glimpse into the vulnerable little boy he really is, desperate to be accepted, liked and wanted.
There are layers to his context.
The loving parents who are in a world that demands their constant efforts at balancing family life and working in order to provide. Parents who did not grow up in an age of constant online activity. Parents who just knew he was home and that seemed safe enough. Parents who look back with regret and shame over times they didn’t check in, times they didn’t stay present.
The sports obsessed path towards success, popularity and proof of human ability.
The internet culture created by our society.
The patriarchal elements of society that feel threatened by changes in culture.
The Lord of the Flies chaos that often marks middle school.
It is a scary world that can violently rip through the developing psyche of a child.
A few years ago, I made a comment on the social media post of someone famous. I do not remember whose account it was. I don’t think I had ever done that before or have ever done it sense. I don’t remember exactly what I wrote, but it was short and innocent enough. I was shocked…SHOCKED…at responses made to ME by what I can only describe as internet trolls. It was my first experience with that kind of behavior and it shook me. As an adult, I knew that these people were faceless people who I would never see in real life. Still, the meanness…the vitriol…took me off guard. It was like stepping into a cauldron of hate. Then, I felt silly for it taking a few days for me to shake it off.
What stayed with me was this: If as an adult these comments affect me, what in the world would this do to a child, an adolescent who is still growing physically, emotionally, and mentally…still learning what relationships are all about. It rocked me to the core. And? What if the people making the comments weren’t faceless? What if they were people they saw every day at school?
In the end, whose “fault” is it that resulted in this fictional boy’s crimes on the series Adolescence?
It is no one’s fault…no one is solely responsible for creating this world that is wounding our children. It can feel overwhelming. Where do we even start?
And, at the same time it is all of our fault. All of us. We all play a role in building this cultural playground in which our children are growing up. Our words, our interactions, how we treat each other…online and off.
If it is the parent’s fault, it is all of our fault. We are all experiencing frightening growing pains from figuring out how to protect and care for our children in a rapidly evolving society.
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Postscript: In the readable version of this post on Substack you will find helpful links throughout the transcript of what is heard on the audio podcast version. The podcast and Substack is called Letters from a Therapist.
That’s what I have to say today. I am guessing you have something to say, too. Happy to hear it.
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