In the aftermath of a move, a divorce and a coming out process…all experiences that society would see as potentially devastating with many losses…I was surprised, after a few years, to realize that had I lost my smile.
In fact, I am only just realizing it as a loss as I recognize its return. As I experience myself smiling spontaneously and openly to people around me, including strangers, it feels like being reunited with an old friend. It feels like that scene in Hook when one of the lost boys spreads out the face of Peter Pan, played by Robin Williams, and says “There you are Peter!”
Since childhood, my smile has been a significant part of my identity and the way I relate to the world. I would smile freely and without reservation. I found people’s eyes, held them, and gave my love and care by turning up the corners of my mouth.
In one facial expression, I hope others can feel this message: I see you. You are welcome. I want to be safe for you.
The traumatic experiences of moving, going through a divorce and coming out left me feeling very, very afraid. My nervous system was on guard with everyone. You can read more about how our nervous systems respond to experiences of trauma and feeling unsafe in my previous post entitled American Rage: Part 1. My body, heart and mind were constantly asking this question of every person and every space: “Are you judging me? Are you going to reject me, too?”
If I did smile, it was tentative, questioning. Instead of letting others know that they were safe, my smile asked: “Are YOU safe?”
And, of course, everyone else in the world is self-absorbed, doing the best that they can, worried others are judging THEM. So, it isn’t like my questioning smile would automatically get back smiles of reassurance.
I held back. I avoided sitting close to people at school events. I was painfully self-conscious, like a middle school student certain that everyone was staring and judging.
There is an idea in the social sciences called “The Looking Glass Self”. It is a simple concept explaining that we become what we see reflected back to us. So, if the people in our life approach us with smiles, delight and interest in what we have to share, we internalize the belief that we are delightful, interesting individuals with something worthwhile to share. With that belief about themselves, the person will be more likely to show up open, smiling, friendly and with confidence thus eliciting more responses of delight and interest. It becomes a positive feedback loop that reinforces beliefs, identity and personality.
If a person has a demeaner that is reserved, stoic, and less “smiley”, then others might themselves be more reserved, stoic, and smiley in response…also creating a feedback loop that reinforces certain beliefs about oneself.
Add to this formula the physical attributes of a person. I’ll explain what I mean.
One of my daughters has large, striking blue-green eyes. As a baby they were a crystal blue. They would stop a person in their tracks. I could not take her anywhere without at least one person approaching us with awe to comment on her eyes. They really are stunning, as is my daughter. If I do say so myself as her mother. Haha.
She is also outgoing, confident, loyal, and has stellar social skills. She is comfortable talking to just about anyone. It is no surprise to me that she is a journalism major as an Air Force ROTC student and is planning on becoming a public affairs officer. Zero surprise.
Some of those aspects of her personality certainly are from her genetics. I like to think that maybe some are from parenting. But, I can’t help wonder that a part of those traits have been nurtured and influenced by the way people have always approached her with delight based on her physical appearance. She has always moved in a world that gives her feedback: “Your existence matters. You are worthy of delight.”
Using the ideas from “The Looking Glass Self”, we can imagine all the messages that my daughter internalized over the years and how that created a positive feedback loop reinforcing the way she sees herself and how she shows up with others as a result. And, of course, if she shows up with a smile, bringing ease and confidence to a conversation, the other person is more likely to respond favorably to her. And, on and on and on.
There is a lot more involved in identity formation than just how people respond to us. A lot more. For sure, everything has NOT been easy for my daughter. She has had more than her fair share of challenges: kids that bullied her for what she wore in third grade, a move across the country in the middle of her seventh-grade year, and high school friend drama just to name a few. Not everyone responds the same way to her confident, playful ( and sometimes mischievous), and social self.
Still, her resilience bucket is full of resources that allows her to roll with the punches. Conveniently, she also has an almost perfect RBF that lets people know she isn’t going to shit from anyone.
As my own nervous system experienced safety in my new world after the divorce, the move and coming out, my nervous system settled, and I no longer felt a need to constantly scan for danger. I realized through time, self-care, and healing relationships that I WAS safe…because I could keep myself safe. I was safe because I wasn’t alone. I was fortunate enough to have people in my life who loved me, showed up for me, and responded to me with warmth and care.
I also became reacquainted with my own gifts and strengths. They had not gone anywhere. I was still me. I was still a warm, loving, kind, grounded, highly educated woman who had worked damn hard to be where I was and had a lot to offer the world and people around me.
I was able to breathe through my shortcomings and accept them as places of growth, but also just parts of who I am that still get to be loved unconditionally. I slowly became confident in the neighborhood and community around me. I began to realize that very few people around me were as judgmental as I had been afraid that they were. Most people just didn’t know or care about what I thought that they would care about. I had corrective relationship experiences even through short encounters with neighbors in which I learned that my world was way safer than I thought it was.
My daughter and I both have a lot of resilience resources and privilege that allow us to show up in a way that garners certain responses from people that then support a positive view of self which leads to better mental and emotional health. Our resilience resources sets us up as buffers to be able to “bounce back” from even some of the most challenging circumstances.
But, let’s talk about resilience for a minute. We throw that word around a lot as if someone has it or they don’t…as if they have a choice to have it or not…as if it is a magically bestowed quality on those that are worthy or from a strong family.
While resilience DOES have genetic components, genes are only a piece of the puzzle. Research suggests that certain genes may play a role in how an individual’s nervous system responds to stress and challenges, which would influence their baseline level of resilience. Some people’s nervous systems might be genetically wired to be able to withstand more stress. In other words, referring back to a previous post, genetics might play a role in how large your window of tolerance starts out.
However, so much more contributes to this concept we call “resilience”. Resilience resources are things we might associate with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs that you learned about in Psychology 101. Resources include having access to physical, emotional, and relationship support. Resources also include having a sense of purpose, gratitude and good health.
https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html
Without having some resilience resources, a person’s bucket is likely to overflow with stress. Here is one way to show how that works.
I have a lot of resiliency resources that help me keep my bucket from overflowing. These resources helped me recover from a traumatic time in my life. They also helped me access and use the support around me. These resources helped me find my smile again.
Now I don’t scan every room I enter for danger. I still have fleeting thoughts of whether or not a person is safe. That tendency will never go away completely for a few reasons, one of which is I am a woman and two, I am gay. There are still places I feel LESS safe than others. That’s just having wisdom and not living with my head in the sand.
I enter spaces, look people in the eye and smile. It just doesn’t bother me if they don’t smile back. I’m good. They might be having a bad day. Maybe they didn’t see me. Maybe they don’t understand why I am smiling and it is weird to them. I know people outside the United States think we smile too much. Whatever. I promise I’m not going around like a smiling fool.
I am smiling because I am comfortable in my own skin. And, I am learning to be more comfortable in my skin every day.
And, as I smile at others with confidence and ease, I will get different responses to me. I will get smiles back. I will begin to see in others a story about me that I can internalize over time…a story that overcomes those others that do not respond in kind.
Here are the take-aways I want to leave with you.
What is getting reflected back to you? How does or has the idea of the “Looking Glass Self” work in your life? What part do you play in what gets reflected back to you? What stories have accumulated over time that affect the way that you see and hear people and interpret how they are responding to you…ways that reinforce the stories that are becoming a feedback loop that you internalize about your own identity and self-worth?
What do YOU reflect back to others? What features of others influence the way that you respond? Appearances? What they wear? How they talk? What they look like? What role do you play in the lives of children, adolescents, and adults around you in terms of their identity? Do you reflect back good things…or biases, assumptions, and judgments.
When you encounter someone who is reserved, less responsive, not as “smiley”, or maybe even unfriendly, be curious about their resilience resources and how their “looking glass self” identity might have been formed over time. Don’t accept bad behavior, but know that there is probably a lot more to their story than this one interaction.
We are individuals, yet, but the story we create amongst one another through our daily, ongoing interactions, big and small, are what shape us as a people, as families, as groups and as individual persons.
I AM my brother’s/sister’s/sibling’s keeper.
So are you…whether you acknowledge that reality or not.
And, no, I am not saying you need to go around with a big smile plastered on your face all of the time so don’t come at me with that.
If you want to see more thoughts and videos from me you can also visit:
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Postscript: In the readable version of this post on Substack you will find helpful links throughout the transcript of what is heard on the audio podcast version. The podcast and Substack is called Letters from a Therapist.
That’s what I have to say today. I am guessing you have something to say, too. Happy to hear it.
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