The oppression of women has created a breach among us, especially between mothers and daughters. Women cannot respect their mothers in a society which degrades them; women cannot respect themselves.
After more than twenty years of working as a therapist, I have been a witness to storylines that become achingly familiar to me. One of those tales is the lifelong narrative about a “successful”…smart, driven… woman and her mother. Her father is part of that story, too. I am going to share a version of that narrative here.
Once upon a time a little girl came into this world and was adored by both her mom and her dad. As the first born, their parenting journey was just beginning, and the little girl brought them immense pride. Her father immediately began talking to her about all the possibilities in her life, how she could do anything she wanted to do if she worked hard enough and made good decisions. Her mother gave her warmth and affection.
The little girl grew and gathered information. She saw that her mother stayed home and took care of menial tasks while her father went out and did big, important work. Her father was rational, stoic, confident and never stopped working. Her mother worried and seemed at times to be emotional, weak, and hesitant. Her mother also never stopped working, but, again, this work did not seem to take her mother anywhere. She watched as her father grew in power and stature in their community, revered by those he encountered. The little girl watched as their family prospered and it seemed to be on account of her father’s work, which made money. Her mother’s work did not make money or seem to be the reason that they had nice things. Her father left home wearing nice looking clothes. Her mother stayed home and wore the remnants of her younger siblings’ needs.
Soon the little girl became a young woman. Throughout her growth she also learned a lot from the world outside of her home. Culture became her teacher with its own curriculum. Movies, books, and commercials told her what was associated with respect: self-reliance, fierce independence, dominance, competition, control, power, and winning.
She also learned what was associated with less respect: sensitivity, empathy, compassion, collaboration, caretaking, creativity, and kindness.
What she read and watched continued to tell her that she must be special and leave a grand mark on the world around her. American Girl Doll movies told her that to be special and leave a mark meant that you must have a unique gift or talent for which you worked hard and eventually win at, shining above everyone else.
The girl chose a pursuit and with drive and determination focused on it as if her life depended on it. It felt like it did. Her father beamed with pride. People praised her for hard work, for her competitive drive, and for how she dominated.
Along the journey, the girl was part of a faith community. In that faith community, she was told that she was born for greatness for God. She learned that God had plans for her and that they were big. She read books about heroes of her faith and listened to pastors, missionaries and speakers share emotional stories of adventure, risk taking, hard work and success. To be good in this community was to be special and to have a special, noteworthy life. Almost all of the individuals whose stories that were elevated as role models for living these special lives were men.
As the girl entered adolescence she became increasingly annoyed with her mother. She rolled her eyes at her mom’s questions and opinions. She tuned out her mom’s thoughts on any decision the girl needed to make. A tense, painful distance grew between them.
The girl went to college and graduate school, found a career in which she began to excel, and met a man she loved. They got married. The girl worked tirelessly to be the best at work and in life. She made sure emotions did not get in the way of decision making or in rising to the top.
Eventually, the girl and her husband decided to have a baby. Gratefully, they became pregnant quickly and were filled with anticipation about the start of this part of their life.
As the birth approached, the girl experienced feelings unfamiliar to her. She felt tender. She felt conflicted and uneasy over her growing maternal instincts. She felt frustrated and afraid of how she seemed to be thinking and feeling about the birth in different ways than her husband.
When the baby was born, the couple was elated. The baby was beautiful.
As the months went on, the girl was increasingly anxious and overwhelmed. She wasn’t just overwhelmed by the demands of caring for the baby. She was overwhelmed by an internal conflict that took her by surprise.
She was relating more to her mother than to her father.
She was aghast at the realization of all that her mother must have endured through the years.
People only wanted to talk to her about her role as a mother now. At work, attitudes toward her changed. After a brief time of accommodation, co-workers and supervisors became more demanding, not less. Her father became more distant and did not seem to know how to talk about his daughter’s new life. He continued to ask about work, but became awkwardly silent when the girl shared about her challenges of becoming a mother.
Her church community assumed that she would quit her job and stay home with the baby, abandoning her career in favor of the higher calling of motherhood for a woman. What made her special now was being a mother.
The girl was angry. And sad. She felt duped and alone.
She had been raised to navigate the world toward success that could only happen under the guise of maleness.
She was taught that being special and successful was the most important aspect of life, but that could only happen for males or someone emulating masculine traits.
Anything feminine, including motherhood, was scorned. In the church community, it was praised, but relegated to background noise. In church it was special and good for a mother NOT to need to be special.
The girl looked at her mother as well as other women in her life and felt shame, grief, and regret. She had grown up looking down on what she herself was: a woman.
This isn’t every woman’s story. If it is part of a woman’s story, the details and contexts are always unique and highly personal. I am guessing most women can relate to some part of this narrative.
Sometimes a woman chooses not to get married or have children and experiences these messages and “lessons” on patriarchy in different ways. Sometimes a woman isn’t married to a man, but still experiences the confusing experience of having a baby while being employed. We know from research that having a baby is good for a man’s career, but bad for a woman’s, sometimes called “The Motherhood Penalty” and “The Fatherhood Bonus”.
Becoming a father fits the internalized patriarchal image of a man being a provider, thus endearing men to their employers and employees. However, women working and having a baby challenges internalized messages of what a woman “should” do or even COULD do, stirring up subconscious judgments that often result in harsher treatment and higher, sometimes unrealistic, expectations. Carol Gilligan, probably the leading voice in female psychology, says: “In a patriarchal society, one of the most important functions of a woman is to embody the qualities of compassion, nurturing, and self-sacrifice.” A woman pursuing a career threatens this internalized, ideal image of womanhood.
For other women, their narrative includes a story of watching their mom work outside the home, exhausting themselves to keep up with the demands of work and home in the midst of these relentlessly challenging dynamics. Their mother’s exhaustion creates another scenario in which the daughter resents their mother and mother’s work in ways that they never resent their father’s.
For others, their stay-at-home mother is their role model and they choose joyfully to emulate that path in their own life. For some women, this experience works well for them. For other women, they find themselves in situations later in life in which they are desperate for changes due to sudden loss, abuse, or other unforeseen situations, but they do not have the skills or education to access for options. I sit with these women, too. They look back with grief and anger at how their internalized messages of women backed them into a corner with no apparent recourse.
Some women have none of these experiences. They have the experience of watching a mother enjoy a career that allowed for flexibility and the attainment of professional goals. Daughters watch with pride as both parents navigate challenging and rewarding professional lives while also enjoy their parenting roles. These daughters often experience shock when they encounter the harsh realities of patriarchy and sexism for the first time.
Internalized patriarchy, internalized misogyny, and internalized sexism are all phrases used to describe when a woman internalizes messages that undermine her own value. It shows up as disdain and hostility towards other women and feminine traits as a whole.
Have you ever said or heard “I’m not like other girls” or “I don’t like hanging out with girls. They are so catty. I prefer boys”? Internalized sexism. And, of course the disdain for other women then aids in perpetuating the internalized sexism because when we have disdain for a woman we ARE more likely to be catty. Then we blame each other as women instead of the patriarchal system we are all swimming in.
Internalized misogyny, internalized patriarchy and internalized sexism shows up in a variety of ways. Here are just a few:
Self-concept and mental health. If you are a woman and have an internalized scorn for women or anything female, that scorn is turned onto yourself. You walk around with constant self-disrespect. As a result, you will always wear yourself out to be perfect (by whose definition? more male?) in order to prove your worthiness. We see this kind of exhausting pursuit of perfectionism in women as well as marginalized groups. Attainment of this perfection might bring relief and praise in the moment, but it perpetuates the status quo and their own oppression. Often, we tout data on the higher prevalence of anxiety and depression in women, but what we don’t talk about is how internalized and overt sexism plays a significant role in these conditions for women. Internalized sexism, patriarchy and misogyny resulting in self-objectification and self-loathing are associated with experiences of shame, anxiety, depression, learned helplessness, dependent personalities, disconnection with physical sensations, lower life satisfaction, and disordered eating.
Part of self-concept is how you see and experience your body. When the world relentlessly tells you that your body is not quite right, you exert enormous amounts of energy and resources into what the world tells you that you “should” do to make that body more “right”. If you are told that your highest calling is motherhood and that your home is the symbol of your self-worth, you will spend countless hours perfecting those identities of motherhood and homemaker. That effort is energy and resources that are not put into other aspects of life like personal growth, intellectual curiosity and professional development.
Parenting. Internalized sexism shows up when a mom or dad always asks daughters to unload the dishwasher, but never asks a son. Or, maybe the son is asked, but it is done with guilt. A mother might be more likely to assume that the daughter can handle all of the things AND do chores, but feel protective of a son’s time because he might not be able to handle it, get overwhelmed or become angry with her. On the flip side, the mother might always ask the son to do weekly or random chores like taking out the trash or mowing the lawn instead of the daily grind help. There might be subtle differences in the kinds of jobs or futures that a mother brings up as options for a daughter compared to what she brings up for her son. Mothers might be much harder in daughters in a variety of ways because mothers have absorbed a painful truth of patriarchy. Women must work many times harder than men to survive a world run by men.
Female friendships. “I’m not like other girls”, she says as she begins a relationship with a male in her school, business, or church. What does that mean? This single, short statement holds loads of beliefs about females.
Female relationships at work. The data is clear. Women often are harder on other women in the work force.
We all suffer at the hands of internalized patriarchy…women AND men. Our relationships with the people closest to us suffer. Our work environments suffer. Our communities and culture as a whole suffers.
If you have had a complicated relationship with your own mother, with yourself, and with other women due to internalized patriarchy and/or other painful dynamics, I am including a list of books you might find helpful below.
And, if you are a mom and are experiencing the struggle to stay connected to your daughter during certain seasons as well as staying connected to yourself, it is ok to feel grief, sadness, anger, and frustration…with her AND with the world that has created a system in which patriarchy exists.
Patriarchy Stress Disorder by Valerie Rein
Cassandra Speaks by Elizabeth Lesser
On Our Best Behavior by Elise Loehnen
The Heroine’s Journey by Maureen Murdock
Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel
Postscript: In the readable version of this post on Substack you will find helpful links throughout the transcript of what is heard on the audio podcast version. The podcast and Substack is called Letters from a Therapist.
That’s what I have to say today. I am guessing you have something to say, too. Happy to hear it.
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