The hero of yesterday becomes the tyrant of tomorrow, unless he crucifies himself today.
Joseph Campbell, The Hero With A Thousand Faces
As a therapist I work with individuals and couples, men and women. I really enjoy working with men, both individually and within their partnered relationships. Maybe it is because I am the big sister of a little brother for whom I have a deep affection, or maybe it is because I have a son whom I adore and two stepsons whom I love, or maybe it is because I am a human being who just loves people in general…whatever the reason, I have a great deal of compassion and hope for men and their healing journey.
A painful storyline that I frequently encounter in my work with couples is the impact of the hero complex on men’s relationships. A straight couple will come in for therapy because of growing conflict in the relationship. The female partner is desperate for help. She has reached her wits end. She feels unseen, unacknowledged, unheard…and deeply disconnected. I can see the yearning in her eyes and hear the pain in her voice. She is reaching for her person, but they aren’t there. There is no response. As she continues to reach, the reaching turns urgent and anguished. Instead of her heart being shared with her person with outstretched hands, it comes across as fangs instead of fingers being directed at him.
The male partner’s face is flat. He seems overwhelmed and confused. Sometimes there are sudden sobs: “I guess I am just the worst husband ever.” This puts the wife in a position of having to comfort him instead of getting her own needs met: “No, no, no. That’s not what I am saying. You are not a bad husband. You are a GOOD husband. You are so good to me. You do so much.” And, he does…he does do so much.
Sometimes he gets angry: “What do you want from me? I don’t know how to make you happy! It is never enough with you. You are always coming at me!” And, that is how it feels for him: I can’t get it right. I don’t know what else to do.
Sometimes he shuts down and goes cold, maybe even walks or storms away: “I don’t really know what to say. I don’t have anything to say.” And, he doesn’t. He doesn’t have the emotional vocabulary or relationship skills to navigate a conversation with such big emotions.
Sometimes he hides and keeps secrets. He hides imperfections, hides mistakes, hides desires he thinks would be seen as bad or inconsistent with the hero image. And, he’s right. Mistakes do not fit the hero image. So hiding, secrecy and lying become more of a survival skill and less about intentional manipulation. Hiding and lying creates a cycle of mistrust and defensiveness that tends to lead to more hiding and lying.
Sometimes he tries harder: “I hate to see you cry. Please, stop. I can fix it.” And, he does try harder. He does what he thinks will fix it. He makes grand gestures of what he thinks will fix the problem.
Early grand gestures work even though they aren’t really what she is asking for. She feels loved by the bravado. She praises him and tells him he is the best. Things are ok for a while, but nothing really changes. The next grand gesture ends with her shutting down in hopelessness: “This is all about you and making you look good. It isn’t about truly caring for me. I didn’t ask for <insert item, act, trip,etc.>” Him: “How can you say that? I just <fill in the blank>. I can never get it right. There is no pleasing you.”
From the moment a boy is born, he receives an education on what it means to be male. His education comes from movies, books, songs, and fairy tales. It comes from innocently made statements from parents. It comes from messages from within the walls of his faith community.
Boys are heroes. They are the providers and protectors of the home. They are the saviors of those in need, particularly women. They are leaders. They are winners.
Heroes walk with confidence and swagger. They shine in crisis, and disappear in the mundane and minutiae of life.
Heroes glow in the praise of others. Praise for their efforts, their successes, their heroism. They thrive in the face of emotions like fear, uncertainty and insecurity. In these moments they are able to ride in on their horse, save the day, and then ride away. Their swagger brings a confidence that can make someone feel safe. Their grand gestures (love bombing) brings reassurance and validation to those wanting to be close to the hero, like a new friend or girlfriend.
Heroes often make subconscious and unspoken contracts with their partners: I will make you feel safe if you take care of me like a mom: be my emotional support and attend to the boring details of domestic life as well as fulfill my sexual needs. The contract sometimes includes a posture of helplessness or weakness from the woman in order for the man to be the “strong” one in the relationship.
This contract works well as long as the female partner can keep up the adoration. If she gets hurt or needs to acknowledge a need or point out a way that her male partner upset her, the contract gets broken and things start to fall apart.
There is this painful, deeply ingrained belief system within the male: “I have to be good. I AM good. I am a hero and have to be a hero. I am a man who protects and provides. I fight monsters, bad guys and keep evil out. I don’t get emotional. Emotions are not what heroes do.”
Everyone has been telling me since I was a small boy who I am. I am beyond reproach. I don’t know what to do with criticism or how to handle someone being upset with me. I don’t know how to sit with and express emotions. That part doesn’t exist in the storyline I was given. Emotions and relational work gets in the way of what and who I am supposed to be in the world.
The pain and disconnect in these moments is real. These men are smart, capable, and, often, very hard workers. Patriarchy, sexism and misogyny has stolen from them a rich narrative of maleness that includes complexity and emotional attunement.
In these moments as a therapist I feel protective of both partners. I feel anger on behalf of them towards the system that has set up flat, boxed up story lines and roles for both partners in a way that interferes with intimacy and connection.
I don’t want to make either partner less male or less female. I want them to be able to be close and connect…to experience intimacy in a way that boxes do not allow. Boxes have walls. Boxes keep others out.
Well-meaning counselors who are not trained or have no awareness of these systemic influences will take an easier road. Well, it is an easier road in the beginning, but in my experience it puts a bandaid on a gaping wound. It might continue to “work” at the expense of the emotional, mental and physical health of one or bother partners. This “simple” and “easier” road will include talking about love languages and affirmations and some basic communication skills. All of these approaches are fine and good. In fact, they ARE helpful. However, they only address part of the work.
Here are some questions I have:
“When she/he gets upset like that, what is going on inside of you?”
“What memories come up for you when your partner cries/gets angry/walks away/goes silent?”
“What story are you telling yourself when these conflicts show up? How would you finish this statement: ‘The story I am telling myself right now is…’?”
“What would it be like to say first: ‘That makes sense’ or ‘I hear you’ or ‘I’m with you’ or ‘I want to understand’?”
“What would it look like to consider that these conflicts have the potential actually to bring you closer together?”
“What would it be like to realize that when she/he shares these concerns they are actually opening up and sharing their heart with you? What do you think is the best way to care for/protect \ their heart in these moments?”
“The stories that come up in these moments for both of you make so much sense. Loving your partner well is knowing and holding each other’s stories in mind when you approach conflict. What would that look like?”
“How can your partner love you well in these moments?”
“What do you hear your partner saying?”
“Is it possible to realize that understanding your partner isn’t the same as agreeing with them?”
“Explaining or telling your side right away might be an effort to help the situation, but it usually makes the other person feel like their concern is minimized and not acknowledged. What would it be like to validate and recognize what you heard first and then ask if you could share your own experience of the situation?”
And, also the validations and acknowledgments:
“Of course, it is hard to hear your partner’s hurt. Their hurt is about something you were part of, and that can be and that is so painful to sit with.”
“Of course, you struggle to share your heart with your partner now after having been turned away or shut down so many times.”
“Of course, of course, of course. It makes sense. All of it makes sense.”
“What would be like to try something different?”
“What would it be like to turn towards, instead of away? What would it be like to try softer? To create a safe place together that feels safe for both of you to share and be close?”
There is a lot more…so much more…to couples work than gender roles and the messages each person absorbs throughout their life about masculinity and femininity. We have to talk about attachment styles, the window of tolerance, stress, trauma and so much more. A person’s attachment style, their window of tolerance, the amount of stress in their lives, power dynamics, and past traumatic experiences absolutely affect the way a person is able to sit with and process emotions as well as how close they can tolerate being with another person.
But this dynamic matters. It matters way more than we take the time to consider.
Being the hero makes it difficult, if not impossible, to validate your partner’s feelings if they are hurt feelings about you and your behavior. Heroes don’t hurt people’s feelings or commit hurtful behavior. And, if they do, it is in the best interest of everyone around them and should be trusted, not criticized.
Being a hero makes it feel like a threat to your entire identity when your partner shares pain that you were part of.
So, heroes fix, explain, hide, or run in response…all forms invalidating and minimizing feelings, which ends up creating more conflict in the long run.
What a partner really wants to hear in these moments is: “I can tell you are hurt. I see that. I want to understand more about what this is like for you.”
If I can help a partner see that listening, understanding and validating isn’t the same thing as as being wrong or bad it is a major win. It is a significant turn in the relationship work.
I have highlighted how this works in a straight couple. I also have seen these same dynamics in gay and lesbian couples. I also have seen the roles reversed. For example, a woman might have adopted male ideas of how to be in the world in order to be respected and strong. In that adoption of male ideals, these women also shut down in the face of difficult conversations and find it challenging to tolerate when their partners are upset.
When working with couples, I start by reframing conflict. In conflict, like in wrestling, we are VERY close to our partners! Conflict is an intimate experience. We get SEEN in ways that can feel very exposing. Conflict is a sign that we are being ourselves…that we are being honest and real…with our partners. Conflict is normal and healthy. I am just as concerned when there is NO conflict in a relationship as when the conflict is contemptuous.
Conflict is inevitable. Repair is optional and where the most important work takes place in a relationship.
There are no heroes or winning in conflict and repair. There is connection, being authentic and vulnerable, and being seen.
If you or a male in your life shows signs of internalized patriarchy or the hero complex, it is ok to be angry and sad. It is ok to take care of yourself and express needs and boundaries. It is also ok to have compassion on individuals who are suffering at the hands of a patriarchal society with its rigid rules and models for males and females. Compassion and kindness are not the same things as enabling and accommodating.
Below are books that you might find helpful.
I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression
By Terry Real
How Can I Get Through To You: Reconnecting Men and Women
By Terry Real
by Sue Johnson
You’re the One You’ve Been Waiting For
by Richard Schwartz
Postscript: In the readable version of this post on Substack you will find helpful links throughout the transcript of what is heard on the audio podcast version. The podcast and Substack is called Letters from a Therapist.
That’s what I have to say today. I am guessing you have something to say, too. Happy to hear it.
If you enjoyed listening today, please consider subscribing to my Substack and sharing it with someone you think might enjoy it, too. The subscription is free and it would mean so much to me. Thank you!
Share this post